Where is home?

A few years ago, I wrote a post about the feeling of belonging. At that time, I didn’t know where I belonged, and I didn’t understand what it meant to belong to someone or somewhere. During our last meeting, my mentor touched on this topic.

Sadly, I still have no clear understanding of it. What does it mean?

When we talk about belonging, we usually say it is where you feel like “home.” But what if home doesn’t feel like home to me? I think this is my issue. There are still unresolved problems and perhaps identity issues.

Since my early years, home has not been a safe and secure place for me; I always needed to be ready for any kind of attack. I had to protect myself while I was at “home.” When I needed my parents' care, all I received was endless dissatisfaction and blame.

I was always on edge, ready to react, ready to explode, and ready to escape. Today, I understand that my only aim was to get away from that place as soon as possible. I did manage to escape, but the underlying problem remains unsolved.

The need to belong is a primary drive that pushes us toward stable, long-term relationships. Perhaps that’s why I don’t believe in “perfect” relationships.

I am fed up with feeling like a “stranger.” I’m tired of longing for a home, even though I don’t know what or where it is.

I want to feel “at home,” peaceful, and calm. I want to experience a sense of home without criticism and humiliation.

But I have already lost hope. Healing past wounds can sometimes take a lifetime, and in the process, it feels like life is passing me by.

Yet, deep down, I know that one day I will find a place that feels like home. Until then, a good cry followed by a warm hug would work perfectly.