Silent battles within

Not surprisingly, this post is yet another result of a discussion with my mentor. Although our meetings have ended, the insights continue to resonate. I remember telling her something like this: I struggle with expressing my emotions. Deep down, I know the reason. You might ask, then, what’s the problem? The problem is the misunderstanding of people around me. They see me as indifferent, cold, and detached. I wish they could see the inner turmoil I experience every time I try to express my emotions.

Let’s dive into a bit of the science behind it. The triangle below, known as the "cognitive triangle," illustrates the interaction between thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

Every time I try to express my feelings, the following thoughts arise: “Showing my feelings will lead to criticism or rejection” or “I’ll look weak if I open up.” Guess what happens next? Negative emotions like fear, anxiety, and vulnerability are triggered. Over time, this has led me to suppress my feelings to avoid discomfort or negative reactions from others.

As a result, avoidance behaviors surface. This means I either don’t express my emotions or do so in a limited, controlled way.

But why does this happen?

The answer, once again, lies in my childhood. I grew up in an environment where holding back was the only way to avoid criticism. Over time, this instilled a fear of judgment, perfectionism, and an urge to overcontrol. Another reason is that I was never taught how to identify or understand my emotions at all. In many ways, I think this lack of emotional guidance is even more damaging than the first reason.

So, what to do?

Thanks to God there are some people who allow me to be vulnerable without judgement. Their supportive comments on my blog and heartfelt messages bring me so much joy. They inspire me and give me the courage to dismantle the walls I have built. 

And here I remember the sentence from another great mentor of mine: “There are and will always be people who care for you, even if you are unaware of their existence.”