What's next?..

If they gave me my youth back, this time I would love myself most.

Do you know how it feels to be 29? You are technically in your 20s, but you are just one year away from that mysterious and frightful age -30.

Today I am at an age where nothing surprises me. At least I think so. Psychology calls this “maturity”. For me, I am not mature yet, because I have a lot to learn about me.

In the past, when I was ignorant, what I was most afraid of was losing the trust of the people I trusted. Now it is not so. Because I don’t trust anyone. Me five years ago and me now are almost two different people. From my taste to my views- everything has changed. In this case, I have no right to ask anyone to stay same until their end of life.

The lessons I have learnt as I get closer to 30:

1.     Everything has a reason. Nothing is accidental. Those who came into my life, those who left, those who will come and those who will leave have been and will be as it should be.

2.     I am no longer frightened by the decrease in quantity around me. If the width of the circle was important for me in my 20s, now the quality of the circle is important. If you have a friend who will run to listen to you when you are in trouble, it means that you have not wasted your years.

3.     When you stop blaming and learn to forgive, life will gain meaning. In my 20s, I blamed others for everything undesirable that happened in my life. After I got a little older, I started to blame myself. Now I have grown up a lot, I have stopped blaming. I wonder what will happen when I grow up more?

4.     As I get older, my dreams become more minimalistic. These days, the "bucket list" that I kept at the age of 19 has passed into my hands. I almost filled a whole notebook. Now my wishes are fewer and fewer. It's not about that I become realistic as I get older. Rather, it's about getting a better understanding of what you want as you get older.

5.     If you had asked me 5 years ago, how do you imagine yourself when you get old? I would say I have no idea. And now I have. And I can see so precisely and clearly.

6.     My younger self continues to embarrass me. I understand better how wrong I was thinking about everything.

7.     My choices and priorities have changed. I am looking for inner peace and happiness.

8.     I don't care what people think anymore. I am free to wear what I want, how to think, what to do etc.

9.     Every day I find a topic to argue with my inner self. I often talk to myself.

10.  I have the pressure of "I have to do something for my 30s". When I report to myself next year, for not hearing "Aren't you ashamed?" I must work from today.

11.  I am wiser. I have neither the time nor the energy to argue. It is best to say that you are right and stop discussion.

12.  I am freer. Every year, I understand better that my dreams are limitless, and that I am the one who limits my life by creating boundaries.

But... I still have a lot to learn. For example, I can't say “no”. When I say no, I feel guilty. I have to fix this.

I am very cruel against myself. How many people do you know who punish themselves for not doing one of the things in their “to do list”? If you don’t know anyone, congratulations! Now you know. Or how many abnormal people do you know who think that they can use their sleeping hours to do more useful work instead of sleeping like normal people? Yes, me.

As you get older, you get more and more away from your childhood. Everything comes together in a such way that instead of caressing that poor child, you try to make keep silence.  Years later, when that child is mute, you will lose your enthusiasm, then you will question yourself, why it is so? What was my mistake?

To tell the truth, there is also a positive aspect of getting old: you can also use sentences like this: “when I was at your age...”

P.S: Still I support Woolf. I demand my own room and want to write…

P.P.S: Happy birthday to still introvert, melancholic me!